In Awe

An Aquarium for Maddie

2011-03-30T23:51:00.005-04:00

I love fish. Watching their graceful ballet in water just relaxes me. Even when I'm dog tired and just stopping by the aquarium to turn off the light for the night, so often I ease into the big overstuffed living room chair, mesmerized by the multicolored water dancers for a few minutes of calm and serenity. Sometimes they even make me laugh at their antics.

My new grandaughter, Maddie is destined to share this love. At nearly ten months old, she is transfixed by this aquatic show each time I tenderly place her into the big chair with Gigi. We share an eternal moment there that will bind us for life to these delightful creatures called fish.

Maddie doesn't have her own aquarium...yet. But with the help of http://www.petsmart.com/ and a wonderful blogsite called TWO OF A KIND WORKING ON A FULL HOUSE at http://www.twoofakindworkingonafullhouse.com Miss Madison may just have a chance to win a bowfront ten gallon aquarium from petsmart for her play room. Oh how she would love that.

Then the dance would be part of her daily escape, instead of just an occasional moment at Gigi's.

Autumn Newness

2010-09-29T17:39:00.004-04:00

Autumn has arrived in eastern PA. The wet leaves stuck on my deck have yellows and reds and the nights are getting colder. I'm in a new place. A grandmother. A new school. A new grade. I'm older.

I like where I am in some ways, but as with gains, losses mean farewell to past loves. I mean, leaves down mean the green canopy at my house that shields us from the highway is over for the year and we'll see those cars buzzing by. A new school means a longer drive...and familiar colleagues I don't see. A new grade fills file boxes with fourth grade materials I can't use anymore. And you know the losses of aging....THAT list is too long...

Being a grandmother (a Gigi, I prefer) has no downsides. I surrender being young and supple for the cozy feel of powder-smelling Maddie clutching my neck or shrieking her babbles in the next room. It's a trade-off I'm glad to make!

Yes, I miss my teacher friends across the river. Nothing will replace them. But like leaf piles and apple cider don't happen unless it's autumn...new friends don't come unless there's a little vacancy in your heart. New students' smiles remind me that the heart of a child is precious even if he isn't as needy as my former kiddos.

Autumn is tugging me to listen to it's value. I'm opening my sunroof tomorrow to let the leaves fill my car!

The Summer Buffer Season

2010-07-10T22:01:00.005-04:00

As school ended in early June the financial chaos of the school district where I work scattered teachers to other buildings to fill in for retirements rather than lose positions. We expected it...I guess I was buckled and ready for the ride if it came. It has come. After 5 years teaching in an urban school among a classroom full of a wonderful rainbow of tans, chocolates, mochas and brown faces where my own pale drab stands out....I am being placed a grade lower at the other end of the academic and socioeconomic spectrum across town.

Tears dripped from the farewells of my deepest soul all to myself as I sat amid boxes of personal things in my cleaned out room where a day before hugs and autographs ended our year. Most other teachers were gone, the building hot and quiet. I locked the door of DO104 one last time and packed my car. No more a Southside teacher. What was I now?

The summer is my buffer between what was and what will be. A new granddaughter and a couple masters classes, a week at the beach will all help direct me to the newer me. But I'm a little lost.

Hopefully the time to garden, weed, water, listen to the birds and count the kinds of butterflies this year will slow me down enough to still the threat of fear that I won't be able to rise to the new occasion., to tackle the new mountain.

Is there advice to be had from those of you going /gone through a similar switch in the game? I need a bit of help in this buffer season when the thoughts of Fall drift in on a cloud. I'll be watching to see what you have to offer....in between marking down the butterflies.

Weddings, ...and Laughter

2010-01-25T21:32:00.004-05:00

I am a serious and sober-mindedly bent person. And because of it, I've always been mindful of protocul and decorum...and equally drawn to those who can let fly in the face of it.

Weddings should be meaningful. And happy.
Pastor Suler said at R and P's that it "should not be entered into lightly or unadvisedly." I agree. Theirs wasn't. But look into their faces here. They also know it will take some lightheartedness. It took me about 15 years into my own marriage to start to grasp that!

If you were part of their wedding day, you know they have mountains in front of them, like many newlyweds. A baby soon. New jobs. A cozy apartment. Trying to find a new church congregation that will embrace them and be their heart family. I pray. And I smile. God is good. SOOOO GOOOOD. He will be there in it. That's enough.

New Seasons

2010-01-11T20:09:00.009-05:00

Christmas is over. And though I find it easy to strip my house of the red and green by the afternoon of January 1, the pretty white twinkly lights tug at my heart and seem "appropriate" for long winter nights even through the romantic Valentines days of mid February. See, I am drawn to the excitement of the next, new season (which pushes me to get old season things packed away to make room for new), but my nostalgic self clings to the certain pretty parts of seasons passing that make it hard to take down, wrap up and close the box lid .

My only daughter got married last weekend. She and her new husband are very in love and though, like all of us, they likely have struggles ahead , I have a confidence in their faith and the way they stare into each others' souls that this is a sweet, uncommon match.

I'm finding scattered amidst Christmas things a lot of old photographs she was sorting through to prepare a slide show for the wdding. They stop me from this cleaning up and I find in them the crux of my dilemma...how can the new season of Empty Nest, We-Can-Do-Anything-We-Want-Now compare to the rich days of crooked lost-tooth smiles? Those days are gone. Done. Box closed. No matter if I wanted to linger in their twinkly lights for just a bit longer. (sigh) I loved being a mom. I knew how to do that.

As I stare at the stacked boxes in our bedroom, I remind myself there are many new wonderful unknowns ahead and I always feel better when the old is sorted and put out of sight. Dancing with my husband at her wedding I felt the stir of a new era and it was a great feeling of freedom. Maybe Hawaii together in 2011. Getting to know a grandchild. Finally finishing my Master's degree.

I guess when I get the boxes all to the attic the Spring will come eventually and my momentum toward this newness will take wings.

For now, I kept out one picture of a long haired three-year old sitting in the middle of a teddy bear collection...and I left the twinkly lights on the garage.

2009-10-15T20:48:00.002-04:00

Surprises. I don't like them. Snowflakes in October. The principal in my room. My period 3 days early. None of that. I've really disliked that on-the-spot anxiety that rises from being the center of attention at a surprise party thrown for you. And then there are the big life-changing ones. Whatever they are, I guess I don't like surprises at all.

I wonder if anyone does.

I prefer to be in control.

In my life, God has been gracious with the severity of surprises. I certainly haven't had to handle surprise illness like one of my dear friends. Or the surprise loss of a job like my husband and many other acquaintances. But when I look at the surprises God has allowed, I do see His presence holding my hand in each one...reminding me He is near, "breathe and grow" seeping from His Lips to my ears.

OK, Lord, I am breathing. Help me grow.

Am I normal? And what IS normal?

2009-09-21T22:46:00.007-04:00

September is half over and I'm back in the furious routine that all my spare weekly moments are all about school prep and correcting papers! I really need to change this! How? I need some advice from my teacher friends. What do you do that keeps your own outside-of-school personality alive?

My new Thursdsay night Dinner and Deeper group at my house is very special, so that really helps. What else can I do? Have I mentioned I never seem to get caught up with school filing or housework during the week? Am I normal or inept? I'm excited to hear from YOU!

Starting a New School Year

2009-08-27T22:04:00.006-04:00

I listened to her giggle during this afterschool voluntary task helping some other students put books on my library shelves. It's a new year and some jobs in setting up my classroom I have saved for student volunteers. A favorite student from last year joined us and we all melted into the comraderie of the task.

I just don't feel as connected to my new students as to my old favorites. I want to, but it takes time. Today all I feel is exhausted from all the copying and checking off updated class lists and teaching an unbonded pack of 21 distinct personalities jockeying for attention.

But this new girl's happy giggle puts me at ease and pulls me close to my new students. In time I will know some of their stories, what they like, who lives with Grandma instead of Mom, who usually packs lunch like me, how to avoid some of the anger landmines of those with short fuses, which ones are hungry for hugs (well, ok, I know those already!)

It's just a new year. A new batch of unfamiliar faces. But that giggle makes me hopeful. The smile that it coaxes from my weary spirit just now tugs me toward a new bond. I already know all their first names. Tomorrow I will try to make each one smile a genuine eye-to-eye connections smile. Then I'm hooked. Perhaps this giggle is just what I needed today.

What You Learn on A Road Trip

2009-07-29T00:00:00.007-04:00

Well, you must account for the huge Hudson Bay if you want to REALLY drive to the North Pole. We didn't, so we didn't. But not speaking French and travelling 4 days into Quebec to Lac Saint Jeanne was enough of an adventure for us, and the one among us who wanted to take this road trip in the first place was ready to return to the American side of the Saint Lawrence Seaway and into New England by midweek. (By the way, I never knew there were so many saints! Practically every little town and river in Quebec held the name of an honored saint...whew!)

It's challenging being cooped up in a single vehicle in a country where neither of you speak the languange and you handle stressful situations very differently. How would you handle having to drive back 1 and a half hours in the rain upon arriving at the Canada border because your wife just realized (when she went to take a pic of the border crossing) that she forgot the camera in that cute Adarondack Pizza shop where you ate dinner?

How might you handle beign stuck in the middle of nowhere sandwiched between a raging river and a mountainside where they are doing road construction with nothing to eat and having to pee among a long line of truckers (oh and did I say we couldn't speak the language?)

How about your wife choosing a French phrase book that is absolutely no help because it's written for people who speak FRENCH trying to learn English and not the other way around?

How about having your favorite credit card frozen for the rest of the trip because you couldn't read what it was asking you to do THREE TIMES at the Canadian gas station self-serve pump?

To say that it tests one's best relationships to take this kind of trip together is the worst of it.

The best of it was the new love we have for our own New England (where we can understand signs and directions and it IS VERY BEAUTIFUL!) It was also awesome sharing snacks we never eat, trying to navigate through a city in the middle of night, seeing a mother moose and her twins, holding hands in Cooperstown after really enjoying the Baseball Hall of Fame....and hiking to waterfalls on a weekday when most of the rest of the world was at work.

I failed miserably at keeping a calm head and being a sweet spirit through every tense moment...but I came back knowing this man I love better and realizing I made a really good choice 28 years ago next month when we exchanged vows and promised that we'd be there through all these better or worsts. He loves me warts and all, moods and all, things I forget and all (did I mention I left my favorite beanie pillow I love for my neck at a hotel in Montreal the very next morning? We didn't go back for that :( ..... I guess he's hoping I learn something from all this forgetting.)

Well, that's about all I can tell you about driving to the North Pole. We didn't. But it was still fun.

"Can you drive to the North Pole?"

2009-07-21T10:38:00.004-04:00

This question started the little road trip I'm on today.

I write this from a hotel room in upstate New York on our way from the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown (a very quaint and worthwhile trip, even for ladies!) to points north unknown!

When I got back from a recent trip to Alaska I found out my husband finally had happen to him what he had been anticipating for awhile. In an effort to prune the extra departments from the bank to make it more marketable on the selling block, the bank where he had kept his leasing/lending department profitable for 23 years decided he was done. And so he is. He banters the word "retirement" around, just for fun.

I love this man. He has stretched me and made me laugh for nearly 30 years now...and in this little summer season he needs me to understand, to travel, to listen, and to just be. Hard things for me, all of them. But because I ABSOLUTELY believe that not one thing happens to me that hasn't been okayed by my heavenly Father, I know this is for my growing. I am being made into the image of His dear Son.

So much work for God to do while I walk this earth. So much sanding, pruning, polishing. So I receive this with a smile, and consider it an adventure. It is.

I don't think you can quite drive to the North Pole. But I'm pretty sure Canada is within reach. I'll let you know what we see and learn. Did I mention we had to drive back 2 hours to get one of our passports? All kinds of opportunities for growing on this trip!

Organizing and Parting With

2009-07-18T16:29:00.004-04:00

Today's the day. I'd promised myself THIS summer I'd go
through every cupboard in my kitchen, well all through the house is my true goal,and organize and purge. But you have to start somewhere. Today I've been in the kitchen.

Sorting out Tupperware lids and matching and purging those wasn't such a chore. But then came the dishes. See, I'm kind of a sucker for a one-of-a-kind, on-the-clearance-rack-at-Pottery-Barn-or-an-estate-sale dish or bowl that has a personality that smiles at me. And right now there are a lot of mismatched smiles trying to win me over to avoid the Yard Sale box.

I get side-tracked easily, too. Especially when I have to find another box or wash up old glassware or (yuk!) de-grease the microwave hood. I've steeled myself toward this task of saying goodbye to old dish friends and the memories of other days when lounging over lunch with friends justified having such cute little couples of this dish and that little bowl. Sigh. I'm in a sadly different season and though I always intend to pick up the phone and get some girls together for lunch, I find myself doing summer chores instead....like this purging and parting.

Oh well, maybe when I have my yard sale some younger version of me will be delighted to find a little treasure. She'll never have my memories. Those stay here--they were too good and went away too soon. I know I'll be thinking as I pack these away about the little Bible study times with our toddlers around our feet, the sweet luncheons trying new recipes, the special women who have graced my table over the years and enjoyed those dishes with me. Such blessings!

Oh bother, I see the box I came up here for...so it's back to packing. I'm thinking of friends like you as I organize. Shouldn't we have lunch soon?

Mailing a Rock, you say?

2009-07-15T12:57:00.000-04:00

I got my long-awaited Alaskan river rock in the mail today. The mail lady didn't ask any questions, just handed over the heavy package. How could she know?

I had stared longingly at those round marbles for miles and days as I toured the Yukon territory and Skagway, Alaska. I had envisioned just picking a special one and bringing it home!

What kind of friend won't look at you with squinty eyes that convey, "Are you serious?" when you make a request first to search for a very specific heavy rock out along a flowing river, let alone agree to pack and mail it to you? (Well, since you know me and haven't removed yourselves from association with me knowing this isn't that odd for me, probably a couple of you sweet friends.) But when I got my box today, tucked in alongside it was the monogrammed towel this friend had prepared for my Alaskan visit...and a few special treats (Vanilla Chai teabags and Rolos!) I hope you get to be as blessed as I have been by this friendship by someone in your life who just does things you might like because they've taken the time to know you.

My rock is going in a special place by my pond. Right near a rock other friends brought me from Wyoming (and they carried theirs on the plane--probably smiling at their wacky friend who'd love it!) I'll be reminded by both rocks of special times, special people...and my own need to just smile at the wacky ideas that make other people happy...and jump in.

Thank you, Lucrecia!

Slowing Down

2009-07-14T20:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just need to go with the flow. I'm learning that this summer...or at least it's on the plate and I'm tasting it. My sweet husband of 28 years whose been my companion through many summers after 6 pm has this summer become my full-time companion. His job was cut. Severance, unemployment. Summer off. Not fearsome or worrysome so don't worry for us...it's always all good when you know you have a King who allows what comes.

SO... I am enjoying a very different kind of summer for a teacher. I now know exactly how many seconds the refridgerator should be open, and how annoying it is when I leave a stack of things on the steps to be taken up later.
But I also have a walking companion, someone to take me out to lunch, swim with and another person who does the laundry. And even as I type there's the buzzing of a saw where a lovely potting shed bench is being constructed for me. Such blessings.

Back to slowing down...today--a Tuesday--we decided to go tubing on the Delaware. How delicious in the middle of a work week (even for a summer off teacher I'd be doing projects and tasks) to drop everything and flop on an inner tube and sit in the quiet, nature-filled breeze of a sunny day on the Delaware. The payoff? Floating silently past turtles basking, little ducklings learning to swim, and my husband's delighted smile as he relaxes deeply in such a glorious day.

Sometimes you just need to go with the flow.

What the Morning Gives Me

2009-07-13T19:18:00.000-04:00

I'm not as much of a morning person as I used to be. Oh, I still prefer the early sun filtering through the trees sparkling the dew on the grass to any other site of the day. It's just that since my bout with stress and anxiety last year, the daily med I take with my vitamins and my premenapausal self have conspired against my first daily joy. I'm working on that.

When I do get the treasure of an early morning rise, before the commuter cars swish down The Pike below my house, I always find some new discovery awaits me. I love the notion that I'm seeing things in a day that would be missed (and will be missed) by sleeping others. The frog sitting quietly on the edge of the pond rocks--I imagine him deep in morning gratefulness (or perhaps attracting breakfast with his statue-like stillness). The happy chirping of those baby wrens as mama or papa swoops in the birdhouse with breakfast. The irridescence of slug paths (my newest archrival as they nightly FEAST on my hostas, petunias and other shady plants) sparkling their victory over the sidewalk. WAIT til they get those long-promised beer traps (haaa!) The newest blossoms at just the right moment in their growing that promises THIS will be their day to open!

I love to be home in the summer from my teaching gig. On mornings like these I forget the call of my King is what prompted me into the city and into teaching. I sort of hunger again to be a stay-at- home mom (ok, I'll have to get a new title because she's 21 and clearly is hardly home herself!) I guess what I'm really getting at is...I feel you here, Lord. It's quiet, gentle and so very rich in these morning moments. Do teach me how to walk here early like this in my busy school year. Your creatures remind me how diligently You have given your attention to all You have created. No wonder I love the morning!